Wouldn’t it make sense that when we get really close to someone, it would become easier to reveal our thoughts and feelings? If we were solid and unchanging beings, this might be the case.
But we are not. We are not solid, or unchanging. What we are is consciousness having ever changing experiences. Sure, we habitually repeat thoughts, language, actions to create and maintain our ‘personality’, but the truth of us is not so solid.
What we are is ever changing beings in a construct that wants us to stay the same. We want our partners to basically stay the same so that we might say to ourselves that there is something solid to hold onto. We want to believe that things won’t change when the only truth is impermanence, and that feels too scary to think about. So we hold on even tighter to an idea of the person who won’t change.
If we want to know our partner is unchanging, then we also feel the need to keep showing them an unchanging self as well. This is where we get into trouble.
Remember the beginning of the relationship when it was exciting to reveal? I feel so enamored with you that I let you know my ‘weird’ sexual fantasy and you not only accept this, but you think it’s hot. Or maybe you’re not very sexually adventurous and the safety of traditional sex feels perfect. This is all great.
For a time.
Until change rears it’s head. I think affairs happen (aside from pure loneliness) because humans want to experience the newness that they actually are. This feels wrong with the person who “knows me so well”. It feels like a betrayal. If you were the traditional sex person and find yourself fantasizing about kink, this might be difficult to bring up to your partner because you may feel like you are pulling the rug out from under them...that they might say, “Who ARE you?” and maybe even reject this new feeling or desire you are having, therefore rejecting you.
So without even realizing it you slowly stop saying things, your partner stops saying things, and you both try to adhere to your original roles and you are stuck and you don’t have sex and there is an underlying and pervasive anger that you think is about your partner, but is really about you. Deep down you know you are not being true, real, free.
The staleness and boredom in relationship is really about the difficulty of revealing and experiencing ourselves as new in this day. Which we are. New. We have never been here before. We may be entrenched in our ways, we may habitually do, say, act in the same ways so that we keep recreating yesterday’s person, but this becomes deadening.
What if you said to your partner, I want to keep knowing you, even if that feels a little destabalizing? Maybe the best relationships are the ones in which the partners don’t have to find a new situation to be new, but that newness is more of the norm? Valuing growth and change is a choice. Can you be curiously in love?
Take action now: Dig deep and think about where you are not being truthful with your partner. Find a moment to express a new idea or desire so that you are continuing to reveal your true self, and moving towards your partner.